I have Asperger’s Syndrome

This looks exactly like the telephone I got beat up for (and with)... At the age of 6, by my dad.

My long experience as psychiatrist tells me that I have Asperger’s syndrome. I DIAGNOSED MYSELF WITH ASPERGER’S!
Did you get the last part? It’s all in caps, bold and I added an “!” at the end. Well, I will repeat it, because it is important, because I am important (that is the idea of having a blog right? To make people know your importance…) I one of them, I have Asperger’s.
FYI: High functioning autism = Asperger Syndrome.
Anyway, I always considered a weirdo, ever since my father beat me up at the age of 6 for taking apart the telephone, when all I wanted was to figure out how the colorful wonders of the spin dial works, or since I wasn’t  able to relate with kids my age, and thus, being forced to play with my sister and her Barbie dolls…

Now that I’ve read the books about it, they all mention some key features that are compatible with Asperger’s. Those are:

1) Reactions are over-the-top: like when I pretended I was about to commit suicide after knowing I crashed someone else’s car after a night of heavy vodka ingestion. Or was I faking it?
2) Difficulty modulating behaviors: dammit, I can’t stop stealing those wireless routers from hotels, believe me, I really can’t. (I think I might also be a total clepto)
3) Low tolerance of frustration: Idiots, I can’t think of someone that is capable of tolerating highly effective their frustration, I mean, how the fuck do you tolerate frustration? Do you repeat to yourself those stupid self-suggestion lines such as “the grass is no more greener on the other side”? Or do you go on a lap-dancing spree? WTF…
4) Hyperactivity: BTW, while writing this I’m tapping my forehead with the heel of my shoe and thinking some new adventures for “Katherine Klebsiella and the inmunodeficient man“.
5) Sensitivity to noise, touch and other sensations: Sensitivity to fucken noise?? I don’t think so, in fact, I think I’m kinda deaf since I won an amazing iPod Touch on a Cooking Blog, listen to it top loud  and I can’t listen to my mother pretending to be the new scream queen. Sensitivity to touch? You bet! I mean, I am close to getting divorced because I don’t like my husband being all the time manipulating me…

6) Preoccupation with objects and/or ideas: I am an obsessive bitch, ask Rafa (my husband), he will confirm how crazy I am. You know dear readers, my biggest issue is boiling water. IT IS A FUCKEN RITUAL, the kettle must be washed thoroughly and then rinsed for 37 times, then pour some water and  boil it, flush the previously boiled water, place some fresh tap water on the kettle and boil it again. That is the moment when the water is ready, and I can enjoy my tea.
7) Extreme interest in one area: do you remember my tiny story about the telephone? I am interested with technology and gutting electronic thingies. I read about them all the time.  In fact I could be a flipping College Professor at the MIT with the knowledge I already have.
8)  problems making friends, So far, I HAVE NO CLOSE FRIENDS WHATSOEVER. Also, tripping back to memory lane, I see no friends at all. It’s not that I cannot interact with people, is just that I find people my age so plain and boring… I mean I relate better with older people, I love older, mature people,  being that the reason I dated that lousy guy who was 14 years older than me.
9)Unusual sleep patterns: If this were some kind of questionary, the answer would have been NO.  At the moment my sleep patterns are very predictable since I decided going on a Klonopin binge is the best way to spend my summer.  Sleep until noon have breakfast as lunch, then some Internet then sleep again. Man, that’s life, and  that’s what I call a very USUAL sleep pattern.
Whatever my point was,  there is a growing awareness of this kind of “disorders”, I remember reading somewhere that the human race will one day split into two separate species, an attractive, intelligent ruling elite and an underclass of dim-witted, ugly goblin-like creatures… I call that bullshit.